Tyler seemed to be questioning this running practice too. I heard him mumble some words and although I couldn't make them all out I am pretty sure I heard, "meanest....stupid...nobody else..."
"We can do this Tyler. We can do hard things - our bodies are amazing and strong and they can do so much more than we give them credit for."
I was telling Tyler this - but mostly, I was telling Andrea this. Because in that moment - I really needed to hear it.
That is my journey right now. Fully living in this body. Grad school and the decade of my twenties was kinda like boot camp for my emotions and my brain. And I left that experience feeling pretty damn accomplished. Thinking that I had just climbed my own emotional Mount Everest. But we humans are not mountains to be climbed. There isn't really a finish line - just another hurdle to examine and prep and prepare for. And so...on the other side of that Mount Everest here I am. With a body that hasn't been loved or seen or respected or most importantly TRUSTED in a long time.
We are complex creatures aren't we? And it has taken me a long time to sort through all of this .To realize that witnessing bulimia firsthand as a toddler first planted the seed of body hate. Messaging from media and family. An ectopic pregnancy. A toxic relationship. These are all woven into the tangle that is my relationship and beliefs about this body.
"This body can't be trusted. It is weak. It has hurt you. It's not like everyone else's. I would see people running marathons and see mothers who were also strong athletes and I would think - "Yeah that could never be me." I would watch couples conceive effortlessly (ahem, well, I guess no conception is effortless...) and again the seed was planted "See, this body is not to be trusted. Something is wrong with it. "
And never realizing it was I who was saying, and thus creating such hurtful realities in this body.
I was discovering and challenging my mind and loving and nurturing my spirit - all while neglecting this body. This body that never stopped living for me. A set of lungs that never stopped breathing. A heart that kept right on beating - even as it was breaking.
I'm starting to realize how connected it all is. Heart and Mind and Body. And I believe - at least for me - this is the next chapter in my healing.
I like catchy titles. Lynsey and I used to call the year after my divorce the year Andrea got her chutzpa( pronounced Huutzpah...but we always said it with a grunt that kinda sounded like we were hacking something up) and it was kind of exciting those years - feeling like I was on a hunt for a part of myself. And so I'm thinking up a name for this next part of my journey. Any suggestions? I have a few ideas but most of them seem to involve J. Lo or boodylicious so... I'm thinking I may need to stay in the brainstorming stage a tad longer.
And so to honor this intention I start with an affirmation. One that I want to plant and nurture and someday know.
"My body is a gift. Beautiful, capable and strong. It deserves to be loved and respected and challenged. It can heal. And with it I can do anything."
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