It's 2014! Brand new years do something to me - days tick one after another and I know that the change from 2013 to 2014 is no different. However, there is something magical about new years. It feels to me as if I am getting a clean slate, the ability to change all the things I just couldn't manage the year before. And my heart always hopes that a year from now - when I have experienced all that 2014 has in store for me I will have learned and felt and experienced in a real way. I was picturing 2014 and thinking about my boys - you two - turning 9 and 11 and I was struck with those numbers. Now I know that right now this will mean very little to you but one day when you have your son or daughter on your lap and watch them grow - you will know exactly what I am talking about. Because although you are almost 11 and 9 it really was just moments ago that you were just arriving to this world - to change it and me forever.
Tonight I sat with you two and dad listening to the music that makes us all so happy and seems to becoming such a big part of what makes us "us." And I looked over and realized that the four of us were taking up two cushions on the couch. There was one whole cushion untouched. We were so very close to one another. I didn't know families could be this way. I didn't know that happiness and peace like this could actually be real. Sometimes I hold my breath - waiting for all of it to go away. Waiting for that sinking that became such a regular part of my life - when the wind would be knocked from me, my heart would sink and I would scramble to grab whatever shred of happiness or peace I could find. Sometimes it was found sneaking into your rooms and listening to your even breathing as you slept. You breathing - in and out - was so steady. In and out - so unaware of the waves crashing down on us. In and out -so steadying and hopeful. Please let me protect them from this-in and out. Please let them stay in this peace -in and out.
I could search all my life and I'm certain I will never be able to find words to write what you have meant to me - what you mean to me. I was unmoored. I was floating with no roots and the vastness of this life -with no family to hold me down- was for me dark and bleak. I was a boat lost in a unpredictable sea.
I am grateful that you two got to be my companions on the journey out of that storm. I am grateful that we weathered it together and incredibly grateful for the roots you gave me. I sunk my feet deep into the ground - knowing that now whether I knew how or not I had these little souls depending on me.
These past two weeks have been magical. Just being together - no work or school to pull at us. And I keep taking these little snapshots and trying to store them in my heart. I have done that for as long as I can remember. I remember doing it once when I was about your age Tyler. And it must work because I can still remember it so clearly. I was sitting in a chair at the end of a long rectangular table. I had a plate with a hot roll and mashed potatoes on it. I looked around the table and saw my grandma Nori and my sister sitting there. We were very happy - I remember feeling so unusually happy and safe and I knew I wanted to remember this moment. I concentrated on the feelings that were filling my chest and my body. I focused on every smell and color and sound and then I pictured all of that data just floating into my body and being packaged up inside my heart. To this day - 22 years later - I can still pull all of that up and feel it.
And now, I use that to package the beauty. I know that some of this still comes from the fear of losing it. The measure to fill up my heart with the good when the bad will inevitably hit. But that is fading. I'm trusting more. Most of it comes from the desire to treasure and remember the magical moments that happen. Like four people choosing to squeeze onto two couch cushions. Or two little boys having sleepovers and chatting about how the world works.
In a few days we will go back to reality. And thats okay. But tonight I am thankful for another year on this Earth. Another year to learn and see what is in store for each of us. Another year to watch you two grow more into the little men you are becoming. And another year to squeeze onto two cushions.
Love you forever
Mom
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