One Upon A Love Story

Today is the moving day. Its a big move and a lot of moving parts and I am already exhausted. Exhausted and incredibly excited. This is going to be a home. And although I have lived in 26 different houses in my 30 years of life this may be one of just a few places that will ever really be home. And that my friends is really exciting. And with all of this going on I have something even bigger on my mind at this moment. I wanted to get up extra early today and take a few minutes to personally celebrate my anniversary to Shawn. We were married a year ago today in the San Diego Temple. And it is vitally important to me that I take a few minutes and reflect about the gift I was given a year ago in getting to tie myself to him forever.

Best decision of my life. Best. Decision. Ever. 

This year has been incredibly healing. I have woken up everyday and seen pieces of myself come alive. Its amazing what the love of a good and trustworthy person can do. It may be the most powerful force for healing I have ever experienced. I love this man with all of my heart. 

And so I would like to share one part of our love story. One that actually took place on July 27th last year:

The Wedding Day Curse That Blessed Me Forever

“I haven’t had an instant of cold feet…its weird Lynsey, I am incredibly calm and ready to be Mrs. Parks,” I said confidently. Lynsey and I talk everyday.

Every. Single Day.

And lately she has ben asking me if I have cold feet. “But, I don’t Lynsey. Its weird, I just feel calm and ready and I know this is right.”

I Should have knocked on wood.

It wasn’t 24 hours after this conversation that I started to get this weight in my stomach. And these nagging worries whispering in the background of my mind.

“You sure about this, Andrea?”

“Marriage can be really hard?”

“What if (fill it in with any catastrophe you can think of…he cheats, he hates you, you fight all the time, he’s a workaholic and you spend your life alone…”

And these anxious whisperings got louder and louder until I was really starting to feel nervous.

Not big nervous. Not call off your wedding nervous. Just mildly, I am getting married in 4 days and I have been badly burned and I really really don’t want to get hurt – kind of nervous.

So….I prayed. And I prayed. But truth be told – I was too busy steamng dresses and tracking down fake hair and packing for San Diego and Jamaica and putting a “destination wedding” together to really stop and listen for an answer.

So the wedding day rolls around. I am still feeling very nervous. And I am waiting for that moment – one that I have now become accustomed to getting from my Heavenly Father. For me, it feels like a warm tingling, a calm mind, and lungs filled with air – no longer constricted by fear and worry and anxiety.

But it had not come.

We drive to the Temple and the rock still sits in my stomach. The clamp still wrapped around my lungs. I love this man unlike anyone on Earth.  I would give my life for him. I am FIERCY loyal to him. But I am still heavy and worried for the forth day in a row.

We walk into the temple; go through a succession of meetings and shuffling from room to room and then we are brought into a small recorders office. And asked for our recommends, marriage license, and other documents needed.

Now I want to find a way to write what happened next. Hmmmmm, how can I find words to describe complete and total panic. Terror. Gripping, drop kick you in the stomach fear that to this day when I think of it I almost start to cry.

I am sitting in this nice woman’s office, next to my sweet fiancé, soon to be husband, and I remember that I left the most important, essential piece of documentation home. Not Home at the Hotel. HOME IN ARIZONA.

“Don’t Forget the Letter.  This letter must be presented at the Temple the day of your wedding!”  A statement I heard from friends, stake presidents, bishops and many others in the months leading up to our wedding.

And yet, here I sit. Letterless and panicked. I start to cry. How do I tell them this? How do I tell Shawn that I left the one thing I HAD to bring in Arizona and our wedding is in less than an hour? That we have family and friends from all over the country waiting to witness a wedding that won’t be happening.

I stammer out the words, “ I left my letter.”  The room gets completely quiet.

Shawn looks shocked, the kind woman sitting across the desk tries to hide her concern – but I see it. She’s not sure this wedding is happening either.

And then three miracles happened.

1.   In that moment I got a good, swift, dose of perspective. I knew in that instant that there was not anything I wanted more than to marry Shawn Parks. I would throw out the beautiful gown and jewelry and honeymoon and receptions and flowers and cake and everything I had spent so much energy and time preparing for to just get the opportunity to kneel at the alter with this man. I. KNEW. THAT. The fear and anxiety left. I felt complete love and commitment and devotion to this man. And I bowed my head, and cried, and unembarassingly prayed in front of them. Begging God to give me a miracle.

2.   Shawn is an amazing man. I have always known this. But that day I saw something next to perfection. And gave me miracle number two. He looked nervous for just an instant…and then he took my hand and said, “Andrea, it’s going to be okay. If we have to I’ll fly home, get the letter, and we’ll get married tonight.  Please, don’t cry. Don’t worry. Please, please don’t worry” And he meant it. He meant every word. I felt no anger or frustration from him. He didn’t blame me or say “What??? How could you forget that? Do you know how many people are here? How much we’ve spent.” He didn’t say any of the things I was thinking about myself. He held my hand, prayed with me, and reassured me that it would be okay and that he loved me.

3.   The last miracle happened when the little woman came back into the room, sat down and calmly said it has been taken care of. She was able to track down the proper people to get the verification that all proper paperwork and clearances were in order.  That he was home, and answering the phone and that everything happened the way it did in that moment was a miracle. I KNOW IT…I felt in that moment that God was answering my prayer.

As this all was happening I came to know a few things. I was being given a little miracle – I am not sure how to explain it other than a powerful conviction in my heart that what was happening before me was a miracle, a blessing for my decision to marry him in the place I was and that it was a gift.

Secondly, and most importantly I was supposed to marry this man. I had been given a gift of seeing how he would treat me – even in the worst moments – for the rest of my life. As he treated me with such tenderness and compassion I had the thought “This is how he will always be with you.”

The best part was that I walked into my wedding that day – knowing now more than I had ever before that I wanted to be with this man, that this marriage was a miracle, and that he was absolutely perfect for me.

Once Upon A Miracle...

I love to read. Possibly too much. So much so that I have to make rules for myself. Because if I'm left to my own devices I read all night long. A good book can captivate me in such a way that dishes and housework and grad school and showers no longer exist. I often dream about having my own Pemberly-esque Library in my home. Where I can sip tea and read in the firelight...And talk in a proper British accent and wear a petticoat. Okay, it's starting to get real.

But I don't just read novels. I love Self Help and non-fiction and cook books ( remind me to tell you a funny story about me and cookbooks sometime).

So with this background knowledge - I want to tell you about my son Tyler who is Dyslexic.

The story of Tyler's dyslexia diagnosis is a long one...and one I have a feeling I will be writing about more some other day. But for now suffice it to say that it has been a difficult experience to watch my son fall further and further behind in school. It has been difficult to watch my child that once loved school cry and dread going each day - unable to fall asleep worrying. After years of interventions and testing and research and tears (by both of us) we found him right where we began.

"The testing shows that its as if the last three years he hasn't even attended school...he reads below a Kindergarten level."

Three years. And nothing stuck. I kept visualizing all those hours in tutoring and reading groups and Kumon and Hooked on Phonics and it was if I was watching them swirl down the drain.

The last class I took in Grad school was a Master level research class and during this class we picked a subject and spent the entire semester researching it and ultimately writing our findings. Those four months were encouraging somedays and heart breaking in others. There is no "cure" for dyslexia, I'd read. Followed by, "Dyslexic individuals are often of above average intelligence and can have areas of extraordinary talent and proficiency." It was a bootcamp for me as him mom - showing me what he would ultimately need.

A few weeks ago we took a leap. A huge financial, two hours a day in the car, two hours a day in the waiting room, this will be our summer - kind of leap of faith. Hoping for the best. Hoping for Tyler.

And today something magical happened. Something miraculous to this mothers heart. My son, my dyslexic son Tyler read to me. Words that a month ago might have well been ancient Egyptian to him. He read. He read. He read. My mouth fell open and I started screaming like I had won the lottery - because it felt like we did. And then I started to cry. It was amazing.

"Uhhh, mom, I will give you a few minutes to yourself. So..you uh, can get yourself together." Tyler said looking at me like this time I had officially gone nuts.

"Tyler, you are READING!" I shouted as I ran to call Shawn, "READINGGGGGGG!"

I can not wait to see where he goes the rest of this summer. I am so grateful for this awesome program that is giving Tyler ( and his mom) this gift. I go back again and again to the line

Without tasting the bitter we'd have never known the sweet.

Watching Ethan learn to read was great. But today, seeing Tyler finally do something I worried he may never- seeing his pride and shock as he read the words he'd never understood before- now that was absolutely beautiful.

Once upon a time I was a mother...

Today as I reflect I keep hearing the lyrics in my mind of a favorite hymn. 

I stand all amazed at the LOVE Jesus offers me...

I am amazed. Absolutely amazed. 

Tomorrow my son Ethan turns 10 and my heart is bursting with emotion. This is a big birthday for him...and me.  

I was 20 years old when he was born. My routine pregnancy turned in an instant into something altogether different. After 28 hours of labor I found my room filled with strangers in scrubs. No one spoke to me. No one looked at me. I was in the room alone and I remember asking many times - each with more urgency and eventually with tears streaming down my face what was happening. I was handed  a clipboard and told to sign a waiver - I would be having an emergency C-Section. I heard the doctor say "we have minutes not hours." I heard someone say they needed to get the neo-natal team into the operating room. 

I remember laying behind a blue sheet in the operating room. No one spoke and as I listened to the beeping of monitors I prayed. I prayed for this baby that I had never met and yet I loved more than anyone on this Earth. 

He was born and Because of the complications I didn't get to hold him first. Not even second or third. I remember being strapped to that bed - my surgery still talking place and craning my neck to see past the crowd of doctors surrounding him across the room. A nurse saw me - saw my tears and my outstretched neck - and held him up in the air for just a moment. "He's okay mom. He's going to be fine."

I can still remember when they first placed him in my arms. It was one of the most remarkable moments of my life..and as I write this tears are filling my eyes. I pulled him close and our faces were only inches apart and then our eyes met. I can still remember the warmth that filled my body, remember the way my heart expanded within my chest - feeling as if it would burst."

"I love you little baby. I love you and I will always take care of you." It felt like an oath. 

One that in many ways saved me. Those words directed me many times when I was faced with vital decisions. 

Knowing Ethan and the sweet brother that followed two years later has been the privilege of my life. 

His purity, his courage, his persistence, his loyalty and love have all taught, humbled and transformed me. There I days that I literally find my mouth hanging open - in complete shock at who he is. All things denote there is a God - and Ethan is no exception. 

Sometimes I wonder what kind of man he will be. What will he do with his life? Who will he become? I think about the pain that adolescence and adulthood hold and wish he could just skip that step. But one thing I know for sure - he will continue to amaze me. He will teach and challenge and inspire me. 

Happy Birthday to my little bucca di beppo, "I love you little baby. I love you and I will always take care of you." 

Counting Sheep

Once upon a time I had insomnia....
Who would have guessed that the FLU and insomnia went hand in hand. I thought the FLU and sleep were more of a better match. But here I sit - on my 3rd day of the FLU at 3:10am and I am completely awake. I have googled and basically have a PhD on the flu at this point. Movies and TV and YouTube have been used and I have read. But here I am - wide awake.

I think this may be my first time with the FLU. It has been a nasty bugger. I had no idea my body could hurt that much for that long and not just completely explode in the process. Next year when the flu shot is available, I will be in the line on the first day. The. First. Day. I'll line up the night before like the Twihards do to get a glimpse of Taylor Lautner....

I have so much I want to write - my internship, and wedding, and married life, and recovery after the decade of my 20's and Ethan the gymnast and Tyler the comedian and life without dairy and wheat and new houses and eyelashes that are magical. But I am sick, don't you know. And my body aches. And surprisingly this did the trick - I'm starting to get sleepy.

So the maiden fell asleep and they all lived happily ever after.
The End.

Once Upon an Introduction

Once upon a time, a long long time ago there was a woman who was embarrassingly technologically deficient and so she could not figure out how to fill in the "ABOUT ME" section of her blog. After trying for more minutes that she would care to confess to and realizing that the only solution was to wake her genius tech-ie husband she decided to give up and just write her first post. 

So here is a little "ABOUT ME."

My name is Andrea P...(the last name bit I'm choosing to leave off...mostly because of this one counselor who told me she was cyber stalked. And that basically terrified me. And since I'm a counselor....) This is a new development for me since I have gone by Andrea G for the last 10 years. And Andrea D for the 19 prior to that. I plan on being Andrea P forever - I mean - FOREVER! So I am going to have to pick a new hobby to entertain myself with instead of waiting in long lines at the Social Security office to change my name once again. Maybe Suduko or online gaming. Who knows...

I love my faith, my family, career in counseling, learning from my mistakes and honestly all kinds of learning (if google gave out degrees I would have my PhD in google studies. Also maybe a masters in web MD and a bachelors in celebrity stalking). I love singing and broadway and my family will tell you that I spend a good portion of every day belting out show tunes. 

I have blogged since 2007 and decided that with my new name and in many ways new life I wanted a fresh blog. I brought over the blog posts for the last couple of years...because those in so many ways are a big part of my story. Those were the years I became me...You can read and catch up on the rest at my old blog here. 

Once upon a time a girl got tired and went to bed. See you tomorrow when I jump head first into the land of sugar, wheat, dairy, and soda free living. Gulp. Be prepared - grumpy posts may follow. 

Loved

Wednesday was one of the most important days in my entire life.  And it has nothing to do with a beautiful wedding dress {although there is a stunning wedding dress that became mine that day}. It goes much much deeper than that.

Wednesday was healing. I don’t mean metaphorically or symbolically either. I literally mean I had a miracle take place – a walking on water, healing of the leper’s kind of miracle. 

I remember talking to my best friend Lynsey one night “I feel like I am never going to be there…I feel like I am broken and no matter how hard I try I will just not catch up.”

Because somehow – a long time ago – when I was just a very little girl I was told I was bad. And that I was unlovable. That no one could love me or want me…and that it would be better if I just hadn’t even been born.  And I was too little to know any better. So I buried that secret in my heart. 

And it changed me forever.    And it changed my life.

And then life’s events started to convince me that this was truth. 

 I lived in so many different homes with so many different families - and my little buried secret would whisper “this is because you are bad…and so unlovable”

My husband loved so many others and I was just never enough for him – and again I knew that “I was broken and unlovable. “

These past years have been incredible. I have often felt like I am on some great adventure – discovering myself for the first time. Seeing the pieces of me that are lovable.  And good.  And beautiful.  Finally seeing that little girl and realizing how good and lovable she really was.

 

 Oh how I wish I could go scoop up that little baby Andrea and tell her just how good and strong she is. I want to whisper in her ear, “Don’t you believe a word of it. You are amazing and you will come out of this okay. Just hang on…there is happiness and love and peace – years and years of it waiting for you on the other side of all this.”

And yet even with all of this there was still that little voice that whispered, “it’s you…you are the reason. You are broken, and bad, and unlovable.”  I mentioned this in my 3 Trees Post (you can read that here) a couple of years ago that I have felt like I am carrying this burden alone.  Sometimes I felt like I was climbing this steep mountain all alone. Terrified to fall backwards – worried there would be no one to catch me.  

And then the most loving and perfect women I know gave me this gift. Not just the gift of a beautiful, stunning, breathtaking wedding dress…because as nice as that is it’s just a dress…but the gift of healing that piece of my heart. The gift of knowing that there are (and always have been) people waiting to catch me if I fall backwards on that hill. The gift of pure, unselfish love –putting that secret lie to rest once and for all. 

Because it isn’t true.  And for the first time I really really know that. 

I have never felt so loved. I have never felt such goodness and kindness and loyalty and friendship. It was one of the most sacred experiences of my life.

I read each of your letters and saw each of the friends who had supported me and I cried. When the day was over I think I had a love hangover. It was overwhelming – in the most beautiful, grateful sense of the word. 

And like all service does – it turned my heart once again to a Heavenly Father who never ceases to amaze me in His mercy and kindness.

I kept thinking of the years that I felt so lost and forgotten and alone. I specifically remembered one particularly painful night when I was curled up in a bed next to a man who had just broken my heart once again and I remember sobbing myself to sleep. I remember wondering if He was aware – if my prayers were even being heard. Feeling lost and trapped and terrified that happiness was never to be a possibility.

And then yesterday, I swear, I had this image in my head of this giant cookie jar in heaven. And that during all of those years of pain and heartache and trials God just kept putting this goodness and bliss away for me. “Not yet,” was my answer. Because without the bitter I would never have treasured the sweet.

And it felt like the floodgates opened. The whole cookie jar was just poured down on me. In the form of Shawn – amazing, perfect Shawn – who loves me and my boys perfectly.  In the form of inspired friends and kindness from strangers and love. Years and years of it all condensed into one day. Seriously, we are lucky I lived. My ticker almost couldn’t take it all. 

I want you to know that you have touched and healed a piece of my heart I wasn’t sure could ever be fixed. And for that – I am forever thankful to each of you

I Love You

A lot of catching up to do...

I am a slacker. I have so much I need/want to add to the blog. But I have been busy the last month and so this quick update will have to do. Here are the boys, Mr. Harry Potter and Mr. Draco Malfoy in their Halloween Costumes. We bleached Tyler's hair and I have to say that I think he's a pretty cute little blond. 

Ethan, my little activist, started a club at his school. He asked to borrow a poster-board and this is what he created. He cracks me up. This is one of my favorite parts about being a mom - I love seeing their little personalities emerge more and more each day. 

 I went home last week for my grandpa's funeral. I always knew him as "Papa Bob." And I was heartbroken to hear that he had passed away. He was a lot like a father to me. I spent a large portion of my childhood living with him and my grandmother. I am sad that my children won't get to know him, his goodness and sense of humor the way I did. But I am so grateful that I had him as my grandpa. I am grateful for the legacy he left me of charity, faith, hard-work and so much more.