The Three Trees

A moment of clarity.

I had a really long drive today. I drove to Utah solo. It was the first time I have made that drive by myself.  It seems like this is a year full of firsts. And it gave a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

Alone.

That's a word I have had to really really face this year.  I have always been a "people" person. As a child, my definition of misery, was being forced to play alone. And if you wanted to really torture me force me to sit in my room...it felt like solitary confinement.

This year I have spent more time alone than any other time in my life. For the last seven years my house always seemed full of my children and the children I tended.  Having my boys in school and away on visitation two days a week has been difficult. Holidays and special occasions have been quiet and lonely.

And never have I felt more alone than I did after all the losses earlier this year. I remember when the realization hit me...that I was now the only one left. The last remaining member in my entire family.That day it felt like my already broken heart just shattered. It was devastating.

Today when I was driving I saw the most amazing sight. I saw this beauitful tree standing alone in the middle of a desert that stretched on for miles and miles. Not another tree in sight. And yet here this tree stood...green and strong.

Instantly I was reminded of a favorite scripture...

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
Helaman 5:12

 I have felt like that little tree for so so long. Not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but when I was little I lived with 5 families. And my dream, the idea I lived for, was that one day I would no longer be the lone tree. But part of a forest.

I never imagined this for myself...that 20 years later I would still be the lone tree. But isn't that life...we all have things we'd have never imagined.

As I looked at the beautiful little tree, standing all alone in the desolation, I was impressed with the idea that no matter if I am in the desert alone or in the center of the largest most lush forest - it does not matter. I just need to have my roots firmly rooted. That thought brought a flood of conviction rushing over me.

Me + God  = Enough. It may sound cheesy but I KNOW that its true. I have seen it. I have experienced my own "shafts in the whirlwind," complete with hail and storms and probably a few tornadoes. And like that tree...I am still standing. I may have a few leaves missing. Possibly a broken branch or two, but standing.

I miss my boys. I will get to see them Sunday! The only good part about being away from them so much is how much more I appreciate those two little faces. And when we get home I am going to show them the picture I bought for their room. "Three Trees" It reminded me of us. And I am going to tell them all that their momma learned while driving through the desert.

Tyler-isms

Word of the Day.

Genius-er

"Mom you are even "geniuser" than Sally.

The sad thing is I love his little funny words so much that I don't want to correct him. I will be sad when he uses proper English.

Dear Tyler

Dear Tyler,

Oh how I love you!! I was thinking today that I would love to go back and just relive a day when you were a baby. Maybe I would pick a day when you were 4 months old. And you know what I would do? Absolutely nothing. Not one thing. I would not go grocery shopping. I would not organize the cabinets or refinish a dresser. I would not read or cook or clean or shop or talk on the phone or any of the millions of things that distract – Tyler I would spend the whole day loving you.  I would hold you and absorb all the sweet baby smells I could. I would rock you and play with you and I would spend my whole day trying to absolutely enjoy every instant I have with you.

Or maybe I would pick a day in your second year. I would take you to the park and I would marvel at your raspy voice, the way you walk, or the drool that was such a big part of year two. I wouldn’t read or talk to the other moms. I would just absorb every second of two-year-old Tyler that I could. 

Then Tyler, you know what struck me? One day, a few years from now, when you are being baptized, or going to scout camp I am going to think back and wish I could just have one day with 5-year-old Tyler. One day to walk you to school, hold your chubby- sweaty hand and talk about words that rhyme. One day to play the guessing game, one day to listen as you tell me all about your day – your universe. One day you will not want me to cuddle you at night. One day you won’t beg me to lie in bed and listen to your music with you. One day you won’t think that everything I say is so very cleaver. And one day, I will want more than anything to relive a day in the Fall of 2010 with my Tyler boy.

And so I think I am going to do that in advance. I am going to give myself that present early. I am going to take a day to just enjoy you. To listen and not worry about what I will make for dinner. To play toys as long as you want without feeling guilty for the homework or housework or any work that is being neglected.  Because if there is anything I have learned in my life its that you and Ethan are the most important parts of my world.  And that nothing will ever compare to the way I feel for you two. Ever. 

Love

Mommy

The Glass Castle

This is one of those books you hate to love.
“I WAS SITTING IN a taxi, wondering if I had overdressed for the evening, when I looked out the window and saw Mom rooting through a Dumpster,” begins The Glass Castle. Jeannette Wells tells us of her unusual (and very tramatic) childhood growing up with her brilliant yet alcoholic father and her artsy non-nurturing mother. As the book progresses I find myself amazed as each of the children beat the odds. It is a poignant story that no matter your own personal childhood you can find something in these stories of tragedy, humor, resilience, and triumph.

Amazon.com Review

Amazon.com Review

Jeannette Walls's father always called her "Mountain Goat" and there's perhaps no more apt nickname for a girl who navigated a sheer and towering cliff of childhood both daily and stoically. In The Glass Castle, Walls chronicles her upbringing at the hands of eccentric, nomadic parents--Rose Mary, her frustrated-artist mother, and Rex, her brilliant, alcoholic father. To call the elder Walls's childrearing style laissez faire would be putting it mildly. As Rose Mary and Rex, motivated by whims and paranoia, uprooted their kids time and again, the youngsters (Walls, her brother and two sisters) were left largely to their own devices. But while Rex and Rose Mary firmly believed children learned best from their own mistakes, they themselves never seemed to do so, repeating the same disastrous patterns that eventually landed them on the streets. Walls describes in fascinating detail what it was to be a child in this family, from the embarrassing (wearing shoes held together with safety pins; using markers to color her skin in an effort to camouflage holes in her pants) to the horrific (being told, after a creepy uncle pleasured himself in close proximity, that sexual assault is a crime of perception; and being pimped by her father at a bar). Though Walls has well earned the right to complain, at no point does she play the victim. In fact, Walls' removed, nonjudgmental stance is initially startling, since many of the circumstances she describes could be categorized as abusive (and unquestioningly neglectful). But on the contrary, Walls respects her parents' knack for making hardships feel like adventures, and her love for them--despite their overwhelming self-absorption--resonates from cover to cover.

Melted a Mothers Heart

Little Ethan has begun reciting this to me lately. Apparently he heard it somewhere and decided that it is his "sonnet" to his mom. And I couldn't be more flattered.

Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt I love

-William Shakespeare-
 

(Found this picture on an old zip drive today...oh i love those little faces.)

And then there was one...

So its official. I am now the oldest woman on Earth. I have officially sent both my children off to school and the only thing left for me to do is finish up my will and wait..... I know, I know, maybe I am being just a little dramatic.
Honestly, it went very well and considering the shenanigans Ethan and I had last year I am very excited by the idea that it is nearly noon and I haven't received one call from the school.  A modern day miracle.
The kids were so so excited for school. Take a look at this picture...can you just see their enthusiasm?

Yeah. Basically, I am thinking they need to get entered into some contest for being "Exceptionally Photogenic." I was doing all my positive comments to combat the "This is not going to be fun," "I hate school, "What if they laugh at me," "Why are they looking at me" "It's hot" "It smells" kind of complaints coming out of Mr Ethan's mouth. I am sure the parents nearby got a good laugh hearing me say "Being hot is fun, " and "Stinky smells are exciting," and "They are looking at how dashing you are..."
But we did it. And Ethan made it into the school with no one carrying him...which is definitely an improvement...and so I am very very pleased.

So now its just me here at home... well, me and the three crickets I just found in the bathroom.Next week I start a very full semester...and for what feels like the 100th time in this last year... the boys and are on to a brand new stage in our lives. And although it is different and a tad scary, I am so excited to see where it will take us!

So while looking on an old Flash drive I found a STASH of old kid videos...and they made me smile.