Once upon a bearded reporter

Today was a regular day. I saw clients. Spent two hours in traffic.  Did some yoga. Made a quadruple batch of cinnamon rolls, brownies and dinner rolls. I think that baking gets an uneven proportion of my life. And although I am gluten intolerant and have not eaten my desserts in two years - I absolutely love it. Something about baking is therapeutic. Taking raw ingredients and creating something - its just so satisfying.

Somewhere mixed into all that "regularness" was a moment or two that if I didn't stop and recognize...they'd be lost.

One moment was at the doctors office. There was this reporter there taking pictures for a upcoming article about my doctor. And he came into the examining room with us. My doctor was asking me all these personal questions about my body and my period and topics one doesn't usually discuss in front of a bearded reporter and I was uncomfortable. At first I tried to be evasive and answered with "its good. " "things are better" And then my doctor said. "Well can you be more specific. " And I looked at him and said, "Not with that stranger in my room. I don't want to discuss this in front of him."
And the poor reporter turned red and I think he was out of that room in 1.3 steps. (My guess - he was uncomfortable to. Who wants to hear all about some woman's cycle???)

Later in my appointment my doctor said. "That was pretty strong of you. To know you were uncomfortable and then take care of yourself."

And I realized it was. Old Andrea, as I like to call her, wouldn't have known she had a choice. I would have discussed my private medical information in front of a complete stranger and been mortified and so incredibly uncomfortable all the while believing that I couldn't ask him to leave because
1. Thats rude
2. I might hurt his feelings
3. I might upset the doctor
4. I'm just a regular person and this doctor is in charge.

Sheesh. Girl, you've come a long way. Anyway, bearded fella left the room and Andrea got a good report card on listening to my heart and acting on it...even if you ruffle some feather along the way.

Expansion of me

My heart feels like it just expanded. Like an actual physical expansion. It was a wonderful feeling. Restorative and hopeful and gave me a taste of what a lifetime of love could possibly do to a human heart.

And so special because these moments don't happen daily. I wish they could - but then I'd probably explode with happiness. 

Tonight I got a glimpse of something ...

I laid of the couch reading Anne of Green Gables to Ethan (my future daughter in law can thank me later) and then I went on a walk with Shawn. The walk started at 9:15 and now two hours later I am sitting here reflecting on what happened. It started with us dancing in the streets. I told Shawn that we had to be figure skaters and put on a show in the street. We would be given 1 million dollars and could pay off our house and do wonderfully fulfilling things in this world with the money but we had to dance with no reservations. "Leave it all on the ice." And he went along with it.

 God bless that man. 

At one point I looked over and saw my handsome, technology loving, football is my favorite pastime, I just bought a shotgun last night husband - doing jazz hands while dancing down the center of the street. This is true. And I fell more in love. And I felt this expansion of my heart.  There is something about a man doing jazz hands with me that makes me feel safe. Almost as if he is saying " I love you so much that I will do this." I mean, if he will do jazz hands for me - his love is starting to feel limitless. 

And then we talked. We played old Heytell messages (kinda like a walkie talkie) that we exchanged while we were dating. And reminisced about those early magical days of falling in love. 

I thought of this song from Mindy Gledhill while we were listening to our sweet and somewhat embarrassing attempts at flirting over hey tell - 

"you, I've loved you from the start. In every single way. And more each passing day."

I really did love him from the start. As if something in his heart whispered to my heart - "I'm safe. I won't hurt you" It was all about safety in those days. All about protecting that little heart that felt like the glue that had mended it was still drying... 

He saw me. He heard me. And looked at me like I was chocolate cake. And no one had ever looked at me that way. I really really love being his chocolate cake. 

This is mushy. And I'm feeling vulnerable writing it. I kinda want to log it in my journal and leave it there. But there is this other part of me that feels like every girl needs to feel this kind of love. Needs to be someones chocolate cake. I had NO idea this existed. And I know its not possible without Heavenly Father. He is the author of love. And he can heal our hearts and direct our lives right to where this love waits for each of us. We all can have it. Every single one of us. 

Once Upon A Heat Stroke

Today the boys and I took up running. And it was 100 degrees and I started to question the decision about 10 minutes in. I lie. I started to question the decision about 1 minute in when my water bottle was already 1/3 of the way empty.
Tyler seemed to be questioning this running practice too. I heard him mumble some words and although I couldn't make them all out I am pretty sure I heard, "meanest....stupid...nobody else..."

"We can do this Tyler. We can do hard things - our bodies are amazing and strong and they can do so much more than we give them credit for."

I was telling Tyler this - but mostly, I was telling Andrea this. Because in that moment - I really needed to hear it.

That is my journey right now. Fully living in this body. Grad school and the decade of my twenties was kinda like boot camp for my emotions and my brain. And I left that experience feeling pretty damn accomplished. Thinking that I had just climbed my own emotional Mount Everest. But we humans are not mountains to be climbed. There isn't really a finish line - just another hurdle to examine and prep and prepare for. And so...on the other side of that Mount Everest here I am. With a body that hasn't been loved or seen or respected or most importantly TRUSTED in a long time.

We are complex creatures aren't we? And it has taken me a long time to sort through all of this .To realize that witnessing bulimia firsthand as a toddler first planted the seed of body hate.  Messaging from media and family.  An ectopic pregnancy.  A toxic relationship.  These are all woven into the tangle that is my relationship and beliefs about this body.

  "This body can't be trusted. It is weak. It has hurt you. It's not like everyone else's.  I would see people running marathons and see mothers who were also strong athletes and I would think - "Yeah that could never be me." I would watch couples conceive effortlessly (ahem, well, I guess no conception is effortless...) and again the seed was planted "See, this body is not to be trusted. Something is wrong with it. "

And never realizing it was I who was saying, and thus creating such hurtful realities in this body.

 I was discovering and challenging my mind and loving and nurturing my spirit - all while neglecting this body. This body that never stopped living for me. A set of lungs that never stopped breathing. A heart that kept right on beating - even as it was breaking.

I'm starting to realize how connected it all is. Heart and Mind and Body.  And I believe - at least for me - this is the next chapter in my healing.

 I like catchy titles.  Lynsey and I used to call the year after my divorce the year Andrea got her chutzpa( pronounced Huutzpah...but we always said it with a grunt that kinda sounded like we were hacking something up) and it was kind of exciting those years - feeling like I was on a hunt for a part of myself. And so I'm thinking up a name for this next part of my journey. Any suggestions? I have a few ideas but most of them seem to involve J. Lo or boodylicious so... I'm thinking I may need to stay in the brainstorming stage a tad longer.

And so to honor this intention I start with an affirmation. One that I want to plant and nurture and someday know.

"My body is a gift. Beautiful, capable and strong.  It deserves to be loved and respected and challenged. It can heal. And with it I can do anything."

2013 Books in Review

2013 Book Review

I used to review books separately and in detail. And I really loved looking back at what I read. So I want to keep writing about what I have read. But it would take me a long time to review everything I have read. So...I'm thinking a big list will have to do. And I am going to challenge myself for mini yet through reviews. Lets see how this goes.

1 = Stinky Stinky Rotten Tomatoes
10 = Darn Near Perfect

1. The Hiding Place -Non-Fiction. Score: 10 In my top three favorite books of all time. I find myself quoting her to my clients, kids and self almost daily. 
2. The Rules of Inheritance -Non-Fiction/ memoir. Score: 9 Beautiful and incredibly honest. I relate in so many ways. And at one point I found myself sobbing as I listened - it made its way in. 
3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids will Talk Non-Fiction/Self Help - Score: 9. One of my favorite parenting books. Love this and use the magic wand trick taught in this book almost daily. 
4. Beautiful Ruins - Fiction. Score: 4. There is a good love story in here. And some really captivating elements - but they were burried so far beneath a lot of filth I just couldn't get to them. 
5. The Gifts of Imperfection - Non-Fiction/Self Help - Score: 8
6. The Fault in Our Stars -Fiction. Score: 9. Loved this and had a few moments of the ugly cry.
7. A New Earth - Non-Fiction/Self Help. Score: ??  I listened to this and maybe its meant to be read because I found myself getting very lost. His voice was so monotonous and I almost dozed off. 
8. The Gift of Therapy - Non-Fiction. Score: 9
9. Me Before You - Fiction. Score: 9 - I wrote a review about this a few weeks ago. Loved it and totally recommend. 
10. Blackmoore - Fiction. Score: 9 -  Sweet love story. Very Austin-esque. 
11. Jane Eyre -Fiction. Score: 10 - In my top three favorite books. Love Love Love Jane!
12. The Silver Linings Playbook - Fiction - Score: 7.8 - I liked it. I laughed out loud. 
13. Orphan Train - Fiction.. Score: 8.5 -  Great story and one that I could relate to on many levels. 
14. Women, Food and God Non-Fiction/Self Help. Score: 9. 
15. Intuitive Eating Non-Fiction/Self Help. Score: 8. 
16. The God Who Weeps Non-Fiction -Score: 10. Incredible. Loved this book and i'm reading it through again. 
17. Spilled Milk Non-Fiction/Memoir Score: 7. Writing was immature and inexperienced. But the story held my interest. 
18. Proof Of Heaven Non-Fiction. Score: 8 Neurosurgeon tells of his near death experience.  Read the entire book on a plane ride and couldn't put it down. Definitely written by a analytical doctor. Don't expect flowery language and lots of mushy feelings stuff. 
19. The Rent Collector Fiction. Score: 9 Loved this book. A hearty dose of perspective and gratitude will follow reading this. 
20. Believing Christ  Non-Fiction/Religious Self Help. Score: 9
21. Divergent Fiction - This review will go for all three books. Score: 7.8 - I couldn't quite give it an 8. I really liked it. And I read all three books in record time. But it felt thin in parts and some of the themes and storylines a bit overused in YA fantasy. Okay, that made me sound like I'm trying to be some pretentious book critic. I just felt sometimes as if I was reading something I had already read before with different character names. Overall, it was great and I recommend it. Just not the best YA fantasy I've ever read. 
22. Insurgent (See Divergent)
23. Allegiant (See Divergent)
24. The Winter Sea - Fiction. Score: 9. Awesome historical fiction with a really good love story. 
25. Loving What Is Non-Fiction/Self Help. Score: 9.  Not everyone will get this book. But I loved it and I still ask myself almost a year after reading this "Is it True." which to me makes this one of my top books of the year. 
26. The Shadow of the Wind Fiction. Score: 8 Epic and suspenseful and feels a lot like Kate Morton's books or "Thirteenth Tale." Dark and twisted at times but one I couldn't put down. 
27. Wheat Belly Non-Fiction Score: 8 Has been life changing for me. 
28. Edenbrooke Fiction. Score: 9 If you love Pride and Prejudice then you will love this. Its a really sweet book. 

Once Upon a New Year

Dear Ethan and Tyler,
It's 2014!  Brand new years do something to me - days tick one after another and I know that the change from 2013 to 2014 is no different. However, there is something magical about new years. It feels to me as if I am getting a clean slate, the ability to change all the things I just couldn't manage the year before. And my heart always hopes that a year from now - when I have experienced all that 2014 has in store for me I will have learned and felt and experienced in a real way. I was picturing 2014 and thinking about my boys - you two -  turning 9 and 11 and I was struck with those numbers. Now I know that right now this will mean very little to you but one day when you have your son or daughter on your lap and watch them grow - you will know exactly what I am talking about. Because although you are almost 11 and 9 it really was just moments ago that you were just arriving to this world - to change it and me forever.
Tonight I sat with you two and dad listening to the music that makes us all so happy and seems to becoming such a big part of what makes us "us." And I looked over and realized that the four of us were taking up two cushions on the couch. There was one whole cushion untouched. We were so very close to one another. I didn't know families could be this way. I didn't know that happiness and peace like this could actually be real. Sometimes I hold my breath - waiting for all of it to go away. Waiting for that sinking that became such a regular part of my life - when the wind would be knocked from me, my heart would sink and I would scramble to grab whatever shred of happiness or peace I could find. Sometimes it was found sneaking into your rooms and listening to your even breathing as you slept. You breathing - in and out - was so steady. In and out - so unaware of the waves crashing down on us. In and out -so steadying and hopeful. Please let me protect them from this-in and out.  Please let them stay in this peace -in and out.
I could search all my life and I'm certain I will never be able to find words to write what you have meant to me - what you mean to me. I was unmoored. I was floating with no roots and the vastness of this life -with no family to hold me down- was for me dark and bleak. I was a boat lost in a unpredictable sea.
I am grateful that you two got to be my companions on the journey out of that storm. I am grateful that we weathered it together and incredibly grateful for the roots you gave me. I sunk my feet deep into the ground - knowing that now whether I knew how or not I had these little souls depending on me.
These past two weeks have been magical. Just being together - no work or school to pull at us. And I keep taking these little snapshots and trying to store them in my heart. I have done that for as long as I can remember. I remember doing it once when I was about your age Tyler.  And it must work because I can still remember it so clearly. I was sitting in a chair at the end of a long rectangular table. I had a plate with a hot roll and mashed potatoes on it. I looked around the table and saw my grandma Nori and my sister sitting there. We were very happy - I remember feeling so unusually happy and safe and I knew I wanted to remember this moment. I concentrated on the feelings that were filling my chest and my body. I focused on every smell and color and sound and then I pictured all of that data just floating into my body and being packaged up inside my heart. To this day - 22 years later - I can still pull all of that up and feel it.
And now, I use that to package the beauty. I know that some of this still comes from the fear of losing it. The measure to fill up my heart with the good when the bad will inevitably hit. But that is fading. I'm trusting more. Most of it comes from the desire to treasure and remember the magical moments that happen. Like four people choosing to squeeze onto two couch cushions. Or two little boys having sleepovers and chatting about how the world works.
In a few days we will go back to reality. And thats okay. But tonight I am thankful for another year on this Earth. Another year to learn and see what is in store for each of us. Another year to watch you two grow more into the little men you are becoming. And another year to squeeze onto two cushions.

Love you forever
Mom

Book Review: Me Before You

Been reading/listening to a lot of books lately. With my hour + commute I am loving my audible membership. Audio books make a huge difference in my frustration with traffic.

Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

Okay, this book was fantastic. I can't say that I loved it. Because it ended in my crying a big ugly cry. However, those books, the ones that leave you crying and stay in your mind for days and weeks and sometimes even longer are usually my favorite. This book will be one of those books. The synopsis sounded like something I would never be interested in - very simply put - a paraplegic man and his quirky caretaker. I found myself however captivated. I usually just listen to my audio books in the car during my daily drives - but this one found its way into the house. I walked around with my headphones on and found excuses to clean my house just so I could listen to more.
In the end I found myself wanting to live my life more fully - to be more present in the moment - to take risks and savor each moment. And in my opinion, if a weekend of reading can leave me with that - then I call that a job well done!

One Upon A Love Story

Today is the moving day. Its a big move and a lot of moving parts and I am already exhausted. Exhausted and incredibly excited. This is going to be a home. And although I have lived in 26 different houses in my 30 years of life this may be one of just a few places that will ever really be home. And that my friends is really exciting. And with all of this going on I have something even bigger on my mind at this moment. I wanted to get up extra early today and take a few minutes to personally celebrate my anniversary to Shawn. We were married a year ago today in the San Diego Temple. And it is vitally important to me that I take a few minutes and reflect about the gift I was given a year ago in getting to tie myself to him forever.

Best decision of my life. Best. Decision. Ever. 

This year has been incredibly healing. I have woken up everyday and seen pieces of myself come alive. Its amazing what the love of a good and trustworthy person can do. It may be the most powerful force for healing I have ever experienced. I love this man with all of my heart. 

And so I would like to share one part of our love story. One that actually took place on July 27th last year:

The Wedding Day Curse That Blessed Me Forever

“I haven’t had an instant of cold feet…its weird Lynsey, I am incredibly calm and ready to be Mrs. Parks,” I said confidently. Lynsey and I talk everyday.

Every. Single Day.

And lately she has ben asking me if I have cold feet. “But, I don’t Lynsey. Its weird, I just feel calm and ready and I know this is right.”

I Should have knocked on wood.

It wasn’t 24 hours after this conversation that I started to get this weight in my stomach. And these nagging worries whispering in the background of my mind.

“You sure about this, Andrea?”

“Marriage can be really hard?”

“What if (fill it in with any catastrophe you can think of…he cheats, he hates you, you fight all the time, he’s a workaholic and you spend your life alone…”

And these anxious whisperings got louder and louder until I was really starting to feel nervous.

Not big nervous. Not call off your wedding nervous. Just mildly, I am getting married in 4 days and I have been badly burned and I really really don’t want to get hurt – kind of nervous.

So….I prayed. And I prayed. But truth be told – I was too busy steamng dresses and tracking down fake hair and packing for San Diego and Jamaica and putting a “destination wedding” together to really stop and listen for an answer.

So the wedding day rolls around. I am still feeling very nervous. And I am waiting for that moment – one that I have now become accustomed to getting from my Heavenly Father. For me, it feels like a warm tingling, a calm mind, and lungs filled with air – no longer constricted by fear and worry and anxiety.

But it had not come.

We drive to the Temple and the rock still sits in my stomach. The clamp still wrapped around my lungs. I love this man unlike anyone on Earth.  I would give my life for him. I am FIERCY loyal to him. But I am still heavy and worried for the forth day in a row.

We walk into the temple; go through a succession of meetings and shuffling from room to room and then we are brought into a small recorders office. And asked for our recommends, marriage license, and other documents needed.

Now I want to find a way to write what happened next. Hmmmmm, how can I find words to describe complete and total panic. Terror. Gripping, drop kick you in the stomach fear that to this day when I think of it I almost start to cry.

I am sitting in this nice woman’s office, next to my sweet fiancé, soon to be husband, and I remember that I left the most important, essential piece of documentation home. Not Home at the Hotel. HOME IN ARIZONA.

“Don’t Forget the Letter.  This letter must be presented at the Temple the day of your wedding!”  A statement I heard from friends, stake presidents, bishops and many others in the months leading up to our wedding.

And yet, here I sit. Letterless and panicked. I start to cry. How do I tell them this? How do I tell Shawn that I left the one thing I HAD to bring in Arizona and our wedding is in less than an hour? That we have family and friends from all over the country waiting to witness a wedding that won’t be happening.

I stammer out the words, “ I left my letter.”  The room gets completely quiet.

Shawn looks shocked, the kind woman sitting across the desk tries to hide her concern – but I see it. She’s not sure this wedding is happening either.

And then three miracles happened.

1.   In that moment I got a good, swift, dose of perspective. I knew in that instant that there was not anything I wanted more than to marry Shawn Parks. I would throw out the beautiful gown and jewelry and honeymoon and receptions and flowers and cake and everything I had spent so much energy and time preparing for to just get the opportunity to kneel at the alter with this man. I. KNEW. THAT. The fear and anxiety left. I felt complete love and commitment and devotion to this man. And I bowed my head, and cried, and unembarassingly prayed in front of them. Begging God to give me a miracle.

2.   Shawn is an amazing man. I have always known this. But that day I saw something next to perfection. And gave me miracle number two. He looked nervous for just an instant…and then he took my hand and said, “Andrea, it’s going to be okay. If we have to I’ll fly home, get the letter, and we’ll get married tonight.  Please, don’t cry. Don’t worry. Please, please don’t worry” And he meant it. He meant every word. I felt no anger or frustration from him. He didn’t blame me or say “What??? How could you forget that? Do you know how many people are here? How much we’ve spent.” He didn’t say any of the things I was thinking about myself. He held my hand, prayed with me, and reassured me that it would be okay and that he loved me.

3.   The last miracle happened when the little woman came back into the room, sat down and calmly said it has been taken care of. She was able to track down the proper people to get the verification that all proper paperwork and clearances were in order.  That he was home, and answering the phone and that everything happened the way it did in that moment was a miracle. I KNOW IT…I felt in that moment that God was answering my prayer.

As this all was happening I came to know a few things. I was being given a little miracle – I am not sure how to explain it other than a powerful conviction in my heart that what was happening before me was a miracle, a blessing for my decision to marry him in the place I was and that it was a gift.

Secondly, and most importantly I was supposed to marry this man. I had been given a gift of seeing how he would treat me – even in the worst moments – for the rest of my life. As he treated me with such tenderness and compassion I had the thought “This is how he will always be with you.”

The best part was that I walked into my wedding that day – knowing now more than I had ever before that I wanted to be with this man, that this marriage was a miracle, and that he was absolutely perfect for me.