Counting Sheep

Once upon a time I had insomnia....
Who would have guessed that the FLU and insomnia went hand in hand. I thought the FLU and sleep were more of a better match. But here I sit - on my 3rd day of the FLU at 3:10am and I am completely awake. I have googled and basically have a PhD on the flu at this point. Movies and TV and YouTube have been used and I have read. But here I am - wide awake.

I think this may be my first time with the FLU. It has been a nasty bugger. I had no idea my body could hurt that much for that long and not just completely explode in the process. Next year when the flu shot is available, I will be in the line on the first day. The. First. Day. I'll line up the night before like the Twihards do to get a glimpse of Taylor Lautner....

I have so much I want to write - my internship, and wedding, and married life, and recovery after the decade of my 20's and Ethan the gymnast and Tyler the comedian and life without dairy and wheat and new houses and eyelashes that are magical. But I am sick, don't you know. And my body aches. And surprisingly this did the trick - I'm starting to get sleepy.

So the maiden fell asleep and they all lived happily ever after.
The End.

Once Upon an Introduction

Once upon a time, a long long time ago there was a woman who was embarrassingly technologically deficient and so she could not figure out how to fill in the "ABOUT ME" section of her blog. After trying for more minutes that she would care to confess to and realizing that the only solution was to wake her genius tech-ie husband she decided to give up and just write her first post. 

So here is a little "ABOUT ME."

My name is Andrea P...(the last name bit I'm choosing to leave off...mostly because of this one counselor who told me she was cyber stalked. And that basically terrified me. And since I'm a counselor....) This is a new development for me since I have gone by Andrea G for the last 10 years. And Andrea D for the 19 prior to that. I plan on being Andrea P forever - I mean - FOREVER! So I am going to have to pick a new hobby to entertain myself with instead of waiting in long lines at the Social Security office to change my name once again. Maybe Suduko or online gaming. Who knows...

I love my faith, my family, career in counseling, learning from my mistakes and honestly all kinds of learning (if google gave out degrees I would have my PhD in google studies. Also maybe a masters in web MD and a bachelors in celebrity stalking). I love singing and broadway and my family will tell you that I spend a good portion of every day belting out show tunes. 

I have blogged since 2007 and decided that with my new name and in many ways new life I wanted a fresh blog. I brought over the blog posts for the last couple of years...because those in so many ways are a big part of my story. Those were the years I became me...You can read and catch up on the rest at my old blog here. 

Once upon a time a girl got tired and went to bed. See you tomorrow when I jump head first into the land of sugar, wheat, dairy, and soda free living. Gulp. Be prepared - grumpy posts may follow. 

Loved

Wednesday was one of the most important days in my entire life.  And it has nothing to do with a beautiful wedding dress {although there is a stunning wedding dress that became mine that day}. It goes much much deeper than that.

Wednesday was healing. I don’t mean metaphorically or symbolically either. I literally mean I had a miracle take place – a walking on water, healing of the leper’s kind of miracle. 

I remember talking to my best friend Lynsey one night “I feel like I am never going to be there…I feel like I am broken and no matter how hard I try I will just not catch up.”

Because somehow – a long time ago – when I was just a very little girl I was told I was bad. And that I was unlovable. That no one could love me or want me…and that it would be better if I just hadn’t even been born.  And I was too little to know any better. So I buried that secret in my heart. 

And it changed me forever.    And it changed my life.

And then life’s events started to convince me that this was truth. 

 I lived in so many different homes with so many different families - and my little buried secret would whisper “this is because you are bad…and so unlovable”

My husband loved so many others and I was just never enough for him – and again I knew that “I was broken and unlovable. “

These past years have been incredible. I have often felt like I am on some great adventure – discovering myself for the first time. Seeing the pieces of me that are lovable.  And good.  And beautiful.  Finally seeing that little girl and realizing how good and lovable she really was.

 

 Oh how I wish I could go scoop up that little baby Andrea and tell her just how good and strong she is. I want to whisper in her ear, “Don’t you believe a word of it. You are amazing and you will come out of this okay. Just hang on…there is happiness and love and peace – years and years of it waiting for you on the other side of all this.”

And yet even with all of this there was still that little voice that whispered, “it’s you…you are the reason. You are broken, and bad, and unlovable.”  I mentioned this in my 3 Trees Post (you can read that here) a couple of years ago that I have felt like I am carrying this burden alone.  Sometimes I felt like I was climbing this steep mountain all alone. Terrified to fall backwards – worried there would be no one to catch me.  

And then the most loving and perfect women I know gave me this gift. Not just the gift of a beautiful, stunning, breathtaking wedding dress…because as nice as that is it’s just a dress…but the gift of healing that piece of my heart. The gift of knowing that there are (and always have been) people waiting to catch me if I fall backwards on that hill. The gift of pure, unselfish love –putting that secret lie to rest once and for all. 

Because it isn’t true.  And for the first time I really really know that. 

I have never felt so loved. I have never felt such goodness and kindness and loyalty and friendship. It was one of the most sacred experiences of my life.

I read each of your letters and saw each of the friends who had supported me and I cried. When the day was over I think I had a love hangover. It was overwhelming – in the most beautiful, grateful sense of the word. 

And like all service does – it turned my heart once again to a Heavenly Father who never ceases to amaze me in His mercy and kindness.

I kept thinking of the years that I felt so lost and forgotten and alone. I specifically remembered one particularly painful night when I was curled up in a bed next to a man who had just broken my heart once again and I remember sobbing myself to sleep. I remember wondering if He was aware – if my prayers were even being heard. Feeling lost and trapped and terrified that happiness was never to be a possibility.

And then yesterday, I swear, I had this image in my head of this giant cookie jar in heaven. And that during all of those years of pain and heartache and trials God just kept putting this goodness and bliss away for me. “Not yet,” was my answer. Because without the bitter I would never have treasured the sweet.

And it felt like the floodgates opened. The whole cookie jar was just poured down on me. In the form of Shawn – amazing, perfect Shawn – who loves me and my boys perfectly.  In the form of inspired friends and kindness from strangers and love. Years and years of it all condensed into one day. Seriously, we are lucky I lived. My ticker almost couldn’t take it all. 

I want you to know that you have touched and healed a piece of my heart I wasn’t sure could ever be fixed. And for that – I am forever thankful to each of you

I Love You

A lot of catching up to do...

I am a slacker. I have so much I need/want to add to the blog. But I have been busy the last month and so this quick update will have to do. Here are the boys, Mr. Harry Potter and Mr. Draco Malfoy in their Halloween Costumes. We bleached Tyler's hair and I have to say that I think he's a pretty cute little blond. 

Ethan, my little activist, started a club at his school. He asked to borrow a poster-board and this is what he created. He cracks me up. This is one of my favorite parts about being a mom - I love seeing their little personalities emerge more and more each day. 

 I went home last week for my grandpa's funeral. I always knew him as "Papa Bob." And I was heartbroken to hear that he had passed away. He was a lot like a father to me. I spent a large portion of my childhood living with him and my grandmother. I am sad that my children won't get to know him, his goodness and sense of humor the way I did. But I am so grateful that I had him as my grandpa. I am grateful for the legacy he left me of charity, faith, hard-work and so much more.

 

Out of my comfort zone

The boys just finished their fall break. And we had a really good time.

And I am really proud to say that I took them camping ALL BY MYSELF. This was a big deal to me. I was very anxious about it and yet I made a decision a while ago that I was going to do everything I could to still "live" even though I am single. That means having date nights on Friday (even when I don't have a date....Me + Rubio's Chicken Tacos + and a really cheesy girl movie), that means learning to hang curtains and taking my pipes apart when we had plumbing problems, I have figured out car problems and cub scouts and lots of things I was not super involved in when I was married.

So this week...taking them camping was a new adventure and to be honest I wanted to chicken out a few times. But I am so glad I didn't. It was one of my favorite things I have ever done with the boys.

We camped on Mt Lemon and although I had nightmares of the hyenas from the Lion King eating us in our sleep we had no problems other than one skunk who wanted some of the boys s'mores.

PS. Watch for the stupid straw hat that Tyler insisted we all wear and that made an appearance in almost every picture!!

Playing some serious battleship

In the hammock...this was the best idea. I laid in the hammock while they played battleship...HEAVEN

On the hike

At Colossal Caverns...it was pretty creepy

Jumping off rocks on our hike....see the hat???

I love this one...see the hat on the stick? Cracks me up!

Thinking...

Mom - trying to be a good sport about the hat.

Just incase my head ever gets too big...

Yeah, this actually happened. I found this recently. And I DID NOT remember it. AT ALL. So that must mean that I blocked it out. Understandable.
Things to address:
1. The hair, more specificially the bangs
2. The sweater. I was in 5th grade. What on Earth was I doing in that sweater
3. The doll. First off the doll is creepy as he**. Why oh why did I bring that thing. I have a sneaking suspicion it wasn't my idea.
4. The Bow - I think we may have stolen that bow off a Publishers Clearing House check. That thing is the size of Texas.

I think thats a good stopping point....

It's opposties day...

Things I Love: stains on white shirts (especially chocolate and mustard), slow drivers, blind dates, temper tantrums, air conditioning repairmen with B.O. that smells like fire, lost keys, earwigs on my face in the morning, broken bones and nails, the man mowing the lawn by my window at 6 am, studying, pop quizzes, pretentious professors, 106 degree afternoons, guys named Denver, broken toilets, showering in my neighbors hose, gas prices, stomach aches, and cilantro. 

Like I said, I am a glass half full type of girl.